What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

I waited trembling.

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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

What is your age now, and what age do you prefer to stay at forever?

I did it because my mum asked me too!

I will be 64.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

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I said to her

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

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One cannot hold on to bitterness.

When she asked me how she looked .

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

Ive learnt so much.

What is a good habit and what is bad one?

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

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I was scared of men, in general

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

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Put me off passion for life!!

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

What are three skills that you would like to have, and why?

On the 31st of Jan this month .

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

Why do men like to suck another man’s dick?

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

My life is so biszare .

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

And i lived it daily.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

One cannot live in the past .

We all went to grammer schools

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

All the time i was locked up.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

We were not on the streets..

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

I was seconnd youngest,

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

This is soul school!.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

But, we were locked up after school.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

I had hoped to write a book about this .

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

My family never makes their pension either.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

Why did i forgive my father ?

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

It was going to be , some day.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

I know ,a lot about trauma.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

What did i know ?

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

I was 9 years of age.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

But it wasn’t much.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

Im dying but, im not bitter.

She married twice! .

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

I couldn’t, believe it.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

She loved him until the end.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

Comes on , in middle age.

She was in good health!

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

They are buried together, in the same grave..

I think the readers, may guess!

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

As i do to all so called friends.?

He resisted the act ,that day.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

I could never make a relationship work though!

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

I write beautiful poetry .

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

I don,t even have a pension.

Was to survive, this bastard.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

Who then, do I blame.?

She found it foreign!.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

This is how, and why children get BPD.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

She wouldn,t have been !

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

I was very sick at this time too.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

I have no regrets .

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

Im still living with it.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

And who doesn’t know suffering?

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

Would this be the day?

So, i spoilt her more .

I never cut or harmed myself..

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

He knew the spot.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

(And it was in our own minds.)

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

So whats the point in blame.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

Especially a lifetime of it.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

But ive been too sick for many years..

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.